Walking out of the Wilderness
Sleeping through the days, wrestling through the nights, loss of motivation and a lack of appetite. How does one get to this place where not much of anything and no activity seems good?
I have just described the past four long years of deep grief which was a time of consistent sadness, a lack of most all motivation and a real joylessness for me. The season of loss began with the death of a close friend who at first, did not know Jesus or have any real peace. My friend joined Faith Walkers, my cancer survivors' group, and met the Lord Jesus Christ as her personal Savior. A short time later, my dear dad passed away at the age of 104. I am grateful for the long life he was blessed to live. Within a couple of months of my father’s death, my favorite aunt went to be with Jesus. She also walked the earth for longer than most dying at the age of 90. Next, our oldest grandson took his own life in a moment of confusion and depression. We never saw this coming; Luke was a high achiever in all that he did. Next, Covid hit the world, and we were not even able to have his memorial service until months later. The fifth death in a row was my sweet mom who joined her husband of 64 years in Heaven’s home. Her absence is often noticed in my life. Compounded grief knocked on my door. Five significant deaths in four years. I felt like I was in the wilderness.
At this same time our wonderful church had a change in leadership, and many of our friends moved to different churches changing our friendships and deepening my sadness. I felt overwhelmed and lost. Along with the physical deaths and friendship changes, I had health concerns. I underwent a total knee replacement rendering me with limited mobility for a time. A whirlwind of circumstances led me to feel windblown, tired and depleted.
The quiet voice of God kept whispering into my wilderness “Be still and know that I am God”. Psalms 46: 10 drifted to my thoughts over and over again. Stillness happens best when activity is diminished. My spiritual life has truly deepened as a result this season of sadness. The wilderness of grief can have a way of shaping us if we allow it to do so. I am incredibly thankful all my loved ones are relocated to heaven. I will see them again, and there will be no more tears and no more sadness. Revelation 21:4.
As I reflect on this most recent season and on my life in general, I am so thankful God gave me His promise of Jeremiah 29:11 in 1979. I have adopted this Scripture as my life verse. It says “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope. “ I have needed to remember and remind myself of this promise during my grief, and many times throughout other seasons of my life. I am incredibly glad God keeps His promises. He promise of welfare meets me in the midst of the wilderness.
I have also been encouraged by Psalms 103 which says to remember all His benefits. In my dark days, I am encouraged to praise Him and give thanks in all things. He truly does supply what I need even when I am struggling emotionally. Today I know God deeper because of my wilderness of grief. Luke 1:79 says that Jesus shines on those living in the shadow of death to guide our feet to the path of peace. Ephesians 3:20 reminds us that God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works within us. God’s Word and HIs promises give light and hope in the dark times.